by Brian Francis Smith

Philly EDGE Correspondent

      After months of painstaking research and polling, the results of the 2006 Philly Edge Irish Drink Wars Tournament are in. And the people have spoken. But before we reveal the winner, we must first take a minute to explain our precise scientific method used in determining a champion. For the past few months our staff has been holed-up in various Irish Pubs around the region drinking heavily. (This had nothing to do with research for the article. We simply have a problem.) In the past couple of days the staff was ordered to bring pens along to conduct a few interviews based on the question: What’s the best Irish drink?

Interviewees were presented with a fantasy match-up scenario pairing two Irish drinks and asked to select the superior beverage using their own criteria. Most polled participants were pre-screened and deemed experts in their field, including bar managers, bartenders, and bar drinkers, respectively. Lucky for us, the Philly region is full of two things: alcohol and opinions.

The Elite Eight Line-Up (Includes rankings and scouting report)

(1) Guinness Stout- Projected favorite. Too cocky?

(2) Jameson Irish Whisky- Strong runner. Will go deep.

(3) Bailey’s Irish Crème- Holiday Delight or Hair of the Dog?

(4) Smithwick’s Irish Ale- (pronounced Smittick’s) Young upstart looking to make some noise.

(5) Irish Coffee- Cagey vet. Weak off the bench.

(6) “Irish Car Bomb”- (Boilermaker combining Guinness, Bailey’s and Jameson.) Will politically incorrect name prove downfall?

(7) McDonald's Shamrock Shake- Unpredictable.

(8) Murphy’s Irish Stout- Upset special.

The Tournament

Quarterfinal Match-up:

Guinness Stout vs. Murphy’s Irish Stout

Venue: Finney's Pub, 15 S. Main St., Doylestown, 215-348-2124

Judge: Jennifer Jeletic, bartender

“I like Guinness better. I think Guinness is a little bit more smooth than Murphy’s is.”

Winner: Guinness

Quarterfinal Match-up: Jameson Irish Whiskey vs. McDonald's Shamrock Shake

Venue: Fergie’s Pub, 1214 Sansom St., Philadelphia, 215-928-8118

Judge: Tricia McGoldrick, bartender 

“Shamrock Shake? [Laughs] I’m gonna have to go with the whiskey there. Because for one thing, I can tell you what goes in whiskey, as opposed to the Shamrock Shake. And, you know…whiskey cures what ails you…or at least makes you forget what it is.”

Winner: Jameson Irish Whiskey

Quarterfinal Match-up: Bailey’s Irish Crème vs. Smithwick’s Irish Ale

Venue: McGuinn’s Place, 1781 Brunswick Ave. Trenton, NJ 609-392-0599

Judge: Judy McGuinn, owner

 “I’ll pick Bailey’s because it’s not too strong, smooth, maybe on the rocks or chilled. But as far as popularity goes, we sell a hell of a lot more of Smithwick’s than we do Bailey’s. But I pick Bailey’s…it’s a perfect St. Patrick’s Day drink!”

Winner: Bailey’s Irish Crème

Quarterfinal Match-up: Irish Coffee vs. “Irish Car Bomb”

Venue: The Shanachie Irish Pub and Restaurant, 111 E. Butler Ave., Ambler 215-283-4887

Judge: Ed Dolan, General Manager

“The ‘Irish Car Bomb,’ [Laughs] Well, here we try to call that drink ‘The Three Irishmen,” you know, Arthur Guinness, John Jameson, and, um…Mr. Bailey, whose first name I forget right now. But you can’t beat a real Irish Coffee. We use fresh whipped cream, the whole deal.”

Winner: Irish Coffee

Quarterfinal analysis: Guinness slipped past Murphy’s with relative ease, thereby advancing to the semifinals. Honestly, I was surprised by Murphy’s lackluster performance. Maybe it was fatigue or lack of concentration, who knows? But Murphy’s didn’t have it tonight. Jameson, on the other hand, came up big. This well-balanced whiskey silenced critics by bitch-slapping the Shamrock Shake and proving that it deserved the number two seeding. In other quarterfinal action, Bailey’s nipped Smithwick’s in an exciting battle before a packed pub, while Irish Coffee blew up The Irish Car Bomb’s dream of a championship. You gotta wonder if this week’s controversy over the name “car bomb” proved more of a distraction than initially thought.

Semifinal Match-up: Guinness Stout vs. Bailey’s Irish Crème

Venue: Finn McCool’s Ale House, 118 S 12th St., Philadelphia, 215-923-3090

Judge: Tim McDonald, patron

“Bailey’s is good, but it gets too sweet after awhile. Gotta go Guinness. Guinness out of a clean tap, a nice pint. It’s just perfect. It’s, it’s…it’s manna from heaven!”

Winner: Guinness Stout

Semifinal Match-up: Jameson Irish Whiskey vs. Irish Coffee

Venue: The Cork, Glenside, 215-886-2654

Judge: Tracy Young, patron

“Jameson Whiskey. I like whiskey and Cokes.”

Winner: Jameson Irish Whiskey

Semifinal analysis: Guinness remains on cruise control, sailing into the finals without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, Bailey’s was dealt heartbreaking loss. You gotta ask yourself if Bailey’s can ever mentally rebound from such a blow. In the other semifinal match-up, Jameson snuck past Irish Coffee in a contest that will forever be remembered for a controversial call. In a post-game press conference, Irish Coffee complained about the officiating and went on to question the experience of the judge. It’s a shame that this ugly outburst will mar an otherwise successful season for Irish Coffee.

Finals:

Guinness Stout vs. Jameson Irish Whiskey

Venue: McFadden’s at 461 North 3rd Street, Philadelphia McFadden’s at Ball Park, 1 Citizens' Bank Way, Philadelphia, 215-334-0254

Judge: Dave Everitt, bartender at McFadden’s BallPark

“Oh...go for the whiskey, brother! Whiskey’s good to you all year round. You’re not gonna drink a Guinness in the middle of the summer, but you’ll definitely do a couple shots of whiskey. And obviously you can mix it with whatever…Jamey and Coke, Jamey and Ginger, all that stuff. Yeah, I’d definitely choose Jameson over Guinness.”

Winner and 2006 Champion: Jameson Irish Whiskey

Finals analysis:

Wow. In a shocker, number two Jameson drubbed number one Guinness to win the 2006 Philly Edge Irish Drink Wars Tournament. Don’t worry folks, Guinness will regroup and be a factor for many years to come. But tonight, the spotlight is on Jameson. Through an oftentimes tumultuous and challenging journey, Jameson displayed the true heart of a champion. And for this, we drink to you. Or better still, we drink YOU.

Post Game Wrap-Up: We want to thank all the drinks, managers, bartenders, pubs, and patrons that helped make the 2006 Philly Edge Irish Drink Wars Tournament a success. Without you, drinking wouldn’t be half as fun, (and I’d probably have a job.) Until next year, this is Philly Edge saying good times and good night.