Let the bar GAMES begin
10 events at local pubs that don’t require an OLYMPIC effort to complete

by Brian Francis Smith
Philly EDGE Correspondent

Opening Ceremonies:

So you always wanted to be an Olympian, but you had a few obstacles to overcome.
For one thing…you smoke. Incessantly.
And you drink, too. Even on weeknights. Especially on weeknights.
Well, fear not. We here at Philly EDGE believe that everyone deserves a shot at the gold, or at the very least, a shot of Goldschlager. That’s why we’ve created the 2006 Philly EDGE Bar Olympics, to celebrate the alcohol-sodden athlete in us all.
Forget about the lame Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy (our staff can’t even find Torino on Google Maps) and focus all of your training and visualization techniques on the local bars and taprooms of our fine region. Yes, Bar Olympian, unbeknownst to you, the countless hours pissed away at the neighborhood pub hunched over the foosball machine are ready to finally pay off. And the payoff, my friend, is grand.
Your mission: Go to the following establishments and compete in each event. Try to crush your friends, or better still, achieve a personal best. Your motivation is your own. Your glory is everlasting. Good luck, Bar Olympian. We’re all counting on you!

Beirut (a.k.a. Beer Pong)
Drake Tavern (304 Old York Rd., Jenkintown; 215.884.8900)
Difficulty Rating: 9.3

Beer Pong has gone legit. What was once a pastime reserved for seedy frat-house basements and your alcoholic uncle’s backyard birthday bash, beer pong now trumpets an air of respectability.
Case in point: the classy Drake Tavern in Jenkintown breaks out the plastic cups and ping-pong balls every Thursday night. What does this mean to the Bar Olympian? Bring a steady wrist, an eagle eye and your best smack talk; beer pong banter gets raw.
Will you run the table, or simply run around chasing your partner’s errant throws? Will you be crowned King of the Cups, or be unceremoniously ousted after one round?
If you win, you’ll drink. And if you lose, you’ll drink as well. And with beer pong, isn’t that always part of the appeal?
New Jersey residents don’t have to make the trip all the way to JTown - Spectators (56 Crescent Blvd., Gloucester City, NJ; 856.456.7858) is hosting an “I Love Roadhead” beer pong tournament Friday, Feb. 17.

Darts
Joker’s (7312 Castor Ave., Philadelphia, 215.725.6201)
Difficulty Rating: 5.3

OK, listen up: This place takes its darts seriously. So don’t embarrass yourself. As if 11 pro dartboards weren’t enough, Joker's will host ESPN’s “World Series of Darts” on March 4. Yup, this is the BIGTIME.
Some words of advice, brave Bar Olympian: Never play for beers with a guy who brings his own darts. Never play with a guy who talks about his “league.” And never, ever, play with a guy named “Bruce.”
What should you do?
Strike up a game of Cutthroat Cricket (points are bad) with a meandering fringe dweller of middling ability. Sandbag the first game, and innocently suggest that the next one might be more interesting with a beer on the line. Throw straight and true, Bar Olympian, and earn what’s entitled to you! When only the Bull remains, stick it on your first throw and drop the remaining darts to the floor with premeditated aplomb. Take a healthy slurp of victory and walk away a winner.
Note: All coolness is lost if you decline a beer in favor of a shot of “Buttery Nipple.”

Seinfeld Trivia
(Upstairs at) Khyber (56 S 2nd St., Philadelphia, 215.238.5888)
Difficulty Rating: 6.2

Do you know Kramer’s mom’s name? Can you quote Costanza like scripture? Have you ever had a dream about Uncle Leo?
If so, Bar Olympian, this event’s for you. Philly’s historic Khyber features the occasional quizzo tournament based on all-things Seinfeld. The true Bar Olympian is not composed of brawn alone, as a keen mental rolodex of the show’s minutia is a must to medal in this round. Training tip: Start watching BOTH the 7:30 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. airings of this series. Food note: Junior Mints not included.

Pool
City Limits (1 E. Philadelphia Ave. Morrisville; 215.295.2207)
Difficulty Rating: 4.1

How could the Beer Olympics be complete without the granddaddy of all bar games: pool. Roll into this almost-in-Jersey joint for a night of shooting stick and slinging brews. Pool proficiency is a prerequisite for any perspective Bar Olympian, and victory here is mandatory for advancement into the final rounds. The game itself is the quintessential Bar Olympic event, combining precision, accuracy, focus, sex appeal and George Thorogood. So slam your quarters down, rack ‘em up, chalk the tip and let her rip.

Sudoku
12 Steps Down (Ninth and Christian Sts., Philadelphia)
Difficulty Rating: 3.14159265358979323846

Do you like to kick back, relax, tie a nice beer buzz on, and…CRUNCH NUMBERS??? If so, it’s “go time.” Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in Fishtown) you know that the Sudoku craze is sweeping the nation. This addictive game of math and logic confounds the crowd at Philly’s 12 Steps Down bar. So pull out your pocket protector and pack your Texas Instruments calc, because these gangstas keep it real.
Alright, Bar Olympian, if you were the Mary Lou Retton of the Mathletes, you may just ace this event.

Shuffleboard
Oreland Inn (101 Lorraine Ave., Oreland; 215.884.6835)
Difficulty Rating: 7.9

It’s a damn shame about shuffleboard. What was once the darling of the barroom gaming spectrum, shuffleboard is now relegated to the ranks of obscurity by Johnny-come-lately electronic games like Megatouch, Golden-Tee, and Nudie-Megatouch. (Author’s note: I feel a personal sting with this loss, as my old man often recalls colorful tales of “epic” shuffleboard battles in bars from the old neighborhood. But alas, his boyhood game of yesteryear has gone the way of Pimple Ball and Half Ball before it.)
Fortunately, the Oreland Inn keeps the torch burning with a fast board. The ultimate partner game (excluding sex), shuffleboard requires faith, imagination and a little bit of bar luck.

Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament
Whiskey Dix (421 N 7th St, Philadelphia; 215.923.2192)
Difficulty Rating: N/A

A surrealist’s wet dream, Pabst Blue Ribbon sponsors the annual Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament at Whisky Dix. (Or for you fans of brevity: PBR does RPS.) Bring your game face, and um...your game hand, for this banal battle of wits and wills. Bar Olympians may consult summer camp counselors for advice. To win this event you must get the upper hand. And remember: no double-fisting!

Mechanical Bull Riding
Montana West (1030 North West End Blvd., Quakertown; 215.529.6070)
Difficulty Rating: 9.5

Come on ride the bull…and ride it.
A trek to Quakertown is a must for Bar Olympians with medal round aspirations. Strap on your chaps and spurs.
Strategy: stay on the bastard! Alternate strategy: drink to the point at which breaking your jaw is laughable and considered, “merely a flesh wound.”
To learn the ropes, go to Montana West on Wednesday nights where nubile young girls indulge in bikini bull riding. Relax with a Rolling Rock while ogling a nearly naked babe writhing on a bucking animal. (This reminds me of an amateur German video that was passed around the dorms.) Drive home and wonder what level of hell Dante would deem this event.
Apparently other parts of Bucks County are a haven for this as well. Finn McCool’s (1111 Easton Rd .Warrington; 215.343.4080) gives its patrons the ability to ride the mechanical bull, too.

Texas Hold ‘Em
Triumph Brewing Company (400 Union Square, Bridge Street, New Hope,
215.862.8300)
Difficulty Rating: 6.6

Writer’s note: I think I’m the only heterosexual male in America who’s never played a game of Texas Hold ‘Em.
A friend of mine claims that it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him. (This was a week after his first child was born.) Another friend loves Hold ‘Em so much that he plays on-line all night long. (He just sold his plasma TV for 20 bucks.) Anyway…catering to both card sharks and minnows, the Triumph Brewing Company knows how to hold ‘em every Monday night. Word to the wise: Watch your booze intake, Bar Olympain, as games of this nature require all your faculties. For best results, nurse a Miller Lite until you feel out the deal.

Koochie Ball
Daydreams (5200 Unruh St., Philadelphia, 215.338.3838)
Difficulty Rating: 10.0

Many arguments have ensued as to the true origin of Koochie Ball. Some claim its roots can be traced back to ancient times, mimicking simple stone and basket games. While others, noting the game’s complex scoring system, attribute the basic framework to Dr. James Naismith.
Others still, vehemently insist that Vinny from the Northeast invented it.
Whatever the case, Koochie Ball remains an event for the ages and a beacon of hope in our desperate times. To know the game is to know the playing field. Daydreams Gentleman’s Club, a behemoth warehouse of bachelor party lore, features throngs of thong clad beauties and total nudies. In this sultry arena, Koochie Ball participants are asked to toss crumpled up bills into promiscuously placed cups. The game gives new meaning to the term “bank shot.”
Insider’s tip: No goaltending!

Closing ceremonies:

Well, there you have it. The 2006 Bar Olympics.
Remember, there’s no “I” in “TEAM,” but there is a “ME.” So get out there and kick some ass! And if you happen to vomit, please, don’t mention Philly EDGE.