If you could excuse me for one moment, I'd like to speak directly to the werewolves from Underworld: Evolution. Hey, how's it going werewolves. Do you mind if I call you werewolves or would you prefer if I called you lycans? What's that? You say that lycans sounds like some sort of fungus? Fair enough. werewolves it is. Now I know you guys are currently in the middle of a big vampire war but if you could just listen to me for a moment I could probably spare all of you a lot of heartache.

Do you know how you're always fighting those vampires at night? Well, you really don't need to do that. Y'see vampires are nocturnal creatures, children of the night and all that horseshit. Their days are spent inside a coffin drooling on a satin pillow and dreaming about Anne Rice and floor length leather trenchcoats or whatever it is that vampires dream about. There's 12 full hours when these pale bloodsuckers are completely vulnerable. Wouldn't it be in your best interest to go after them at 10:30 in the morning armed to the fangs with wooden stakes and holy water? You could put an end to this pointless war and finally get around to more pressing matters, such as whooping the Mummy's dusty ass.

I've given you a lot to think about so I'll let you go but before I do I just want to you to remember me the next time you tear the throat out of a pompous vaguely British vampire. Thanks and take care werewolves.

Alright, now where was I? Oh that's right! Underworld: Evolution is a terrible mindnumbing turd. Then again if you saw the first entry in 2003 you're already well aware of that. Underworld: Evolution is a nauseating valentine meant solely for the hearts of its rabid fan-base. So if you didn't like the first one and don't own a pair of 20 sided dice then you might want to stay far away from this.

Beware of any sequel that opens with a Star Wars-like expository crawl and then follows it up with a recap of the previous film. This is the film makers way of telling you that the film you're about to see is an incoherent wreck. In theory the film's storyline, in which vampire assassin Selene (director Len Wiseman's wife Kate Beckinsale) and her vampire/werewolf hybrid lover (Scott Speedman) are on the run from an enormously kewl bad-ass super-vamp (Tony Curran) revived in the final scene of Underworld, should be fairly straightforward. Unfortunately, Underworld: Evolution introduces a new character and a different plot twist every five minutes. It's never clear where the film is going, who the characters are or why we should care. It genuinely feels as if Wiseman was making this trash up as he went along.

Adding insult to debilitating injury the film is shot and edited in the most amatuerish way possible. Fight scenes are often blurry and confusing and could somebody please explain the point of showing us the inside of Speedman's throat just before he's about to vomit? Did Wiseman think he was making the next Eraserhead?

Of course special notice should be given to Beckinsale who is again horribly miscast as the ass-kicking Selene. She looks about as dangerous as Kate Moss and every time she karate chopped a werewolf in the face I expected her forearm to shatter. Sure she looks great in her pleather get-up but no matter how tight her quasi bondage gear may be it still can't hide the fact that she is about as charismatic as a Resusci Annie figure.

Dull, inane and riddled with plot holes Underworld: Evolution is such a grating misfire I'm surprised that I didn't see Uwe Boll's name listed on the opening credits.