Despite the fact that absolutely no one liked Ocean's 12, Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney have recently announced plans for Ocean's 13. Without a doubt this film will gobble down the balls of Mediocrity as Disappointment watches from the closet. Now before you think I'm just speculating wildly like some kind of insular shut-in who bitches about some shitty comic book movie just because the producers decided that Jimmy Olsen should be a brunette, know this; I have seen Ocean's 13 and not only that, I've seen 14 and 15 as well. How exactly I've seen these films is unimportant. What is important is that you haven't and you won't see them for a very long time. But I'm not a bad guy. To tide you over here's what you can expect to see at your local theater within the next six years.

Ocean's 13 (2007): Although the film has something to do with the robbery of the world's largest diamond and Ocean's attempts to smuggle it out of Switzerland, Ocean's 13 repeatedly side steps it's already shaky plot in favor of lame in-jokes and puzzling meta-humor. All of the dialogue is completely improvised and the role of Tess Ocean is confusingly played by both Julia Roberts and Scarlett Johansson. To make matters more annoying, the big heist scene is performed by marionette versions of the cast who shout loud off-putting one-liners about their screen time, their salaries and Angelina Jolie's vagina. As if all of this wasn't enough, Brad Pitt wears a traffic cone on his head for 78% of the running time for absolutely no reason. On opening day the film is yanked from theaters 20 minutes into its four hour running time.

Ocean's 14: The Barons of Zion (2009): With two years to effectively air out the stench of Ocean's 13's failure from American multiplexes Danny Ocean and his merry band of thieves return. But things are different this time around. This latest installment is written, directed and stars Mel Gibson (stepping in for George Clooney who was killed in a Los Angeles holy war between the followers Scientology and Kaballah). In this wildly popular yet deeply insulting bit of agit prop insanity, the gang's latest heist involves their efforts to steal over two tons of gold bullion belonging to the Nine Jewish Bankers who control the world. They fail. Even though all of the dialogue in Ocean's 14 is spoken in a made up language Gibson dubs "Jesus-speak" the film goes on to make 800 million worldwide. However, the film does suffer some monetary setbacks when during a Today show interview a naked feces covered Gibson responds to the film's perceived violence and racism by jamming a fork into the eye of Katie Couric.

Ocean's 15 (2011): Due to collapse of the theater industry this final, low-budget chapter in the Ocean's saga is unceremoniously dumped on DVD. This time around Danny (Celebrity Fitness Expert John Basedow) and his group of fun-loving criminals are looking to steal a pack of smokes and $100 worth of Twizzlers from a local 7/11. Can they pull it off or will they receive a stern lecture from the jaded night manager (Christian Slater)? Although instantly forgotten upon its release the film did receive a moderate amount of press when a bloated coked out Slater was arrested for groping a cardboard cutout of himself at a Blockbuster Video in San Clemente.