Due to the Shalit Act of 1983, all film critics are required by law to write a best of list during the month of December. The list must contain no more than 10 but no less than 5 movies and must be written before the stroke of midnight on the 31st. It wasn't until recently that the legal act also pertained to the guys who write tiresome dick jokes in free weeklies, so here are my contractually obligated opinions....

6. Brokeback Mountain: A dazzling, heartfelt rollercoaster ride of pure - OK good he just went into the other room. Would somebody please help me? Entertainment Weeklies' Owen Gleiberman just broke into my house and he's threatened to kill me if I didn't put this on my list. Oh god, would somebody please call the cops before he shoves a shotgun down my throat makes me add Memoirs of a Geisha?

5. Memoirs of a Geisha: Too late.

4. Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia: As I was walking home about a week ago, a van pulled alongside me. The scruffy hair-lipped driver poked his head outside the driver's side window and told me he was the president of Warner Brothers Studios. He was wondering if I'd like to watch a film in which Harry Potter and the Pevensie triplets attempt to destroy an unholy alliance between Lord Voldemort and the White Queen. He went on to tell me that the film was in the back of his van right in between a box of puppies and the year supply of candy. Unable to pass up an opportunity such as this, I immediately jumped on board. Needless to say that the man wasn't who he claimed to be. But that night as I laid unconcious in a ditch just outside Bensalem, I did have a dream where Ron Weasly and that Satyr thing fought an army of ninjas inside Paul Bunyan's stomach which is kind of cool I guess.

3. I'm Smokey Trucker: An amazing action packed thriller starring Joe Don Baker as a state trooper/trucker who drives rigs and hands out tickets. To be fair this isn't actually a movie, at least not right now. But if Joe Don Baker's lawyers actually bothered to read my threatening letters maybe they'd realize what a great idea this really is.

2. Aeon Flux: Oops! Sorry I actually meant to put this on my "Best Films I'd Begrudgingly Watch Three Years From Now On A Sunday If The Only Thing Else On TV Was Golf And Infomercials" list.

1. Van Helsing: Due to a mysterious rip in the space time continuum, the worst film of 2004 has somehow become the best film of 2005. If everybody could just remain calm and stay indoors everything will be just fine. I repeat, everything will be just fine.