Maddox: A man among men

 

By Ryan Alan

Philly EDGE Correspondent

 

Satirist, humorist, Webmaster, comic book creator and now New York Times best-selling author, Maddox is his own force of nature, not to mention guardian of all things manly.

Beloved by many, probably reviled by some, George Ouzounian (a.k.a Maddox), 28, is a former math major and computer programmer who is tweaking the funny bone, mocking stereotypes, challenging perceptions and generally piquing interest in both the mainstream and alternative worlds.

If chick lit is a valid genre, welcome to “fratire,” reports Writer’s Digest, a term coined by Warren St. John referring to several writers, Maddox included, defining a nonfiction literary style aimed at the Maxim generation.

“It’s writing for dudes,” Writer’s Digest quoted the explanation of one passionate fan of Maddox, whose The Alphabet of Manliness has been hailed by one reader as “the handbook for the man of the 21st Century.”

That man accords Chuck Norris the respect that he deserves, knows how to behave at the urinal, and does not go to Hooters for the wings.

Published by Kensington Books, Alphabet shot to number one on Amazon.com. It’s illustrated with a chapter-length entry for each letter in the alphabet featuring a “manly” subject. It begins with…“A” is for “Ass Kicking.

The author’s dedication page promises not to leave a dry eye amongst those who read it: “To the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me.”

Maddox began building his now huge following in 1997 by launching “The Best Page in the Universe,” a Web site (www.maddox.xmission.com) that is home to his essays and humorous rants.  Visitors to the site receive this greeting: “This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong.”

Maddox, in a moment in which he must have been feeling especially charitable, agreed to allow Philly EDGE readers into his inner sanctum, despite the fact that we dispatched the less than manly Ryan Alan to conduct this one-on-one:

 

Philly EDGE: In what ways are George and Maddox the same?

Maddox: “Neither of us can stand obnoxious animal rights activists, hippies or 9/11 conspiracy theorists.  We also occupy the same physical space at the same time.  It's quite remarkable, if you think about it, because very few people have ever been able to do that without the use of a teleportation device, or sarcastic responses to serious interview questions.”

 

Philly EDGE: What are the significant ways in which you are different?

Maddox: “Whereas Maddox would find creative ways to detach one's colon from one's rectum, I would write about the source of my anger on my Web page using various combinations of the words ‘shit,’ ‘cock’ and ‘bag.’ ”

 

Philly EDGE: Can Maddox write and make observations that George can't or won't?

Maddox: “Maddox can do anything he puts his mind to.  What follows is probably going to be the most serious response of this interview, so cherish it: people who know me in real life eventually see where Maddox comes from. I'm usually reserved and very laid back in real life.

Only people who know me well get to see the Maddox-side of my personality.  I call my closest friends ‘assholes,’ so if I'm not cussing you out, it probably means we're not very close.”

 

Philly EDGE: Is there a serious goal behind your humor and satire? Do you want to encourage people to look at subjects with a more open mind, or to consider more than one possibility?

Maddox: “The purpose of satire is to expose the folly of one's nature through the use of sarcasm and irony, so in a sense, there is a goal.  The reason my writing works is because most people are stupid; they interpret what I say literally and don't get the message, which makes them think my message is more shocking than what I'm really saying.  I'll end my external introspection there because I think people who interpret their own work at great length are douche bags.”

 

Philly EDGE: Do you enjoy pushing the proverbial envelope?

Maddox: “Pushing sounds like work, and work makes me tired.  I don't like to be tired, so no.”

 

Philly EDGE: When you first launched your Web site, what were your goals for it?

Maddox: “To piss off my friends and family.  I would monitor my access logs fervently to see if anyone was checking my site.  I was happy to have one or two visitors per month, and now that it's in the millions, I still haven't taken it for granted.”

 

Philly EDGE: Are you surprised at the long run that it has had?

Maddox: “It's hard to be surprised at how long the site has been going when I've been updating it for all these years.  It's a ubiquitous force in my life.  Did I ever anticipate it?  Yes.”

 

Philly EDGE: Why do you think it has struck a chord with people?

Maddox: “Because I'm able to say whatever I want and not give a shit.  I purposely don't have advertisements on my site because I don't want to be tempted to censor myself if I want to talk about a certain company, so that has given me great freedom that other sites don't have, and my fans trust my opinion because they know I'm not out there to make a buck.

“Nobody tells me what goes on my site, and I don't have to kowtow to some editor-in-chief and change my writing style to be more palatable to anyone.  Don't like it?  Don't read it.  I have nothing to gain financially by getting people to click on my Web site.  In fact, it costs me money each time someone opens my site and downloads my sexy logo.  The Internet is probably the only medium where you get punished for your success.”

 

Philly EDGE: Do you sense that some people view Maddox as their vicarious spokesman?

Maddox: “No.  But I'm guessing you do!  And you're probably right.”

 

Philly EDGE: Who is your "audience?"

Maddox: “My audience is diverse, ranging from 15-year-old adolescents to middle-aged readers, to grandmas, blue-collar workers, and Ivy League professors.  Fans of my site are disproportionately intelligent social outcasts, if not just abnormal, though there is a contingent of whiny emo dipshits who read it as well to be sure.”

 

Philly EDGE: Playboy magazine's classic ads used to ask the question, "What kind of man reads Playboy?" and then go into the demographics and tastes of its readers.  Turning that around, what kind of man (or woman) logs on to your site?

Maddox: “The kind of man who reads my Web site is a rugged, mean, grizzly son of a bitch.  As for women, only hot ones read my site.”

 

Philly EDGE: To someone just becoming aware of you, what would you tell them Maddox is all about?

Maddox: “I would tell them that Maddox is all about dissing your face.  Then I'd follow up with an explanation of why I just referred to myself in third person, thus causing the person to completely forget the question along with my URL.”

 

Philly EDGE:  Did you anticipate the positive response to the Manliness book?

Maddox: “Yes. Three months before my book came out, I sent out a newsletter to my mailing list in which I predicted it would be the second most widely read and published book in history, after the Bible.”

 

Philly EDGE: What were your goals for the book?

Maddox: “My main goal was to get it done.  I missed my deadline four times, so that started to become a serious concern around the second or third time.”

 

Philly EDGE: Who might want to read it?

Maddox: “Nursing mothers.”

 

Philly EDGE: Can women learn from it? If so, what?

Maddox: “They can, but I prefer to use the word ‘will.’ They will mostly learn about how awesome I am.”

 

Philly EDGE: Does the book give a new meaning to the alphabet as we know it?

Maddox: “I think it's fair to say that this book is the first time the English alphabet has been put to good use since its inception.”

 

Philly EDGE: How will someone's life change from reading it?

Maddox: “Reading this book is like losing your virginity for your eyes.  Your optic hymen will definitely be popped.”

 

Philly EDGE: What are some of the subjects covered?

Maddox: “Hair, zombies, boners, robots, lesbians, Plato's pedagogical method, beef jerky, hot sauce, drop kicking someone to the face and Chuck Norris.”

 

Philly EDGE: How would the world be different if Chuck Norris were in charge?

Maddox: “Your question suggests that Chuck Norris is not already in charge.  Best watch your ass.”

 

Philly EDGE: Can you talk about the illustrations for the book?

Maddox: “The book has about 145 illustrations done by eight illustrators spanning across 204 pages, not counting the foreword or the credits.  A normal 200-page book has about 45,000 words, and my book has about 42,000.  So even though it has a lot of illustrations, it's still as meaty as a normal book.  All of the illustrators were selected by submitting their work through my Web site at my request.  I received about 742 submissions and narrowed it down to the eight whose work appears in my book.”

 

Philly EDGE: It would seem that all men, and perhaps even some women, would be particularly interested in the chapter on the penis. What will they learn there that they don't already know?

Maddox: “The timeline of boners and the mushroom-shaped impact they've had on history.”

 

Philly EDGE: What is the most important advice you can offer from your book’s, eerh, handling, of urinal etiquette?

Maddox: “Don't talk to anyone, don't make direct eye contact and whatever you do, do not, under any condition, put anyone's penis in your mouth.”

 

Philly EDGE: You write about a sticky subject: Pirate’s semen. Explain.

Maddox: “Pirates ejaculate fully grown leprechauns.  Getting a leprechaun is relatively easy.  All you need to do is rub a Pirate's magic clover until the leprechaun bursts free.”

 

Philly EDGE: You unselfishly offered to take time out to sign women's breasts at book signings. Did you have any takers?

Maddox: “I lost count after the 42nd pair of breasts I signed.  I never get tired of signing women’s breasts.  Never.”

 

Philly EDGE: Do you plan a follow-up to your book?

Maddox: “I may do a scratch-and-sniff version of my book.  I plan on having the entire chapter on Knockers smell like bubble gum.”

 

Philly EDGE: Can you tell people about your The Best Comic in the Universe book?

Maddox: “I tried to pack as much senseless violence into the comic as possible. This comic has everything: kids getting ruined, exploding dinosaurs, lesbians and gnomes getting peed on.”

 

Philly EDGE: You received an offer to turn the Manliness book into a film. You were quoted as saying you had "no idea how you would do that." Is there any update on that, and do you have an idea how you might approach a film?

Maddox: “I have a couple of ideas and I've had other people approach me with ideas, but nothing sounds solid so far.  I'd rather sit on the property and wait, risking the possibility that nothing will ever come of it, rather than put out something mediocre just to make a buck.”

 

Philly EDGE: You've described yourself as politically neutral. Is that a difficult stance, given the volatility of some issues?

Maddox: “No, because I don't think there are two sides to every issue.  Sometimes one side is just plain wrong and there's no room for interpretation or debate.  For example, I think pedophilia is wrong.  Care to debate that one?”

 

Philly EDGE: Were Maddox to run for president in 2008, what would his platform be? And, if elected, what changes would be made?

Maddox: “My platform would be to repeal as many of our civil liberties as I can. I would call my party the ‘Regressive Party.’  I have a great plan to end homelessness: raise taxes on the poor to 100%.  That way, homeless people wouldn't be able to afford food and would starve to death.  My strategy aims to eliminate homelessness at the source: getting rid of the homeless.”

 

Philly EDGE: To your critics, those who don't understand you, what are they failing to get?

Maddox: “There are a lot of different reasons for people to hate me: they might be offended by what I say, they might be jealous, spiteful, ignorant, or they just might not like the style of writing.  Whatever the case, I don't have time to explain it to stragglers, so it's probably better that people who hated my site didn't read my book.”