Here's the in-full, internet edition of Cinema Bizarro from this week’s Philly EDGE.

-Ed.

 

By Mike Sullivan

Philly EDGE Movie Lunatic

 

 Dane Cook: you either love him, or you hate him.  And if you love him, you're wrong.

 Nonetheless, Cook's inexplicable popularity has earned him a terrible reality series, a laugh-barren comedy special and this week's Employee of the Month - a film that depicts what his real lot in life should be: stocking shelves at Costco.

 Fortunately, the Dane Cook backlash has already begun and it won't be long before Employee of the Month is collecting dust alongside the following comedies at your local video store.

 

Chairman of the Board (1998): Targets don't come any easier than Carrot Top. In fact, if this guy was an animal he'd be a fish in a barrel. In some ways you can almost feel sorry for the guy…but then a film like Chairman of the Board comes along and reminds you

that “The Top” deserves every last bit of ridicule he receives on a daily basis.

Short on actual plot and long on jokes concerning his silly haircut, Chairman of the Board remains a punishing reminder of why prop comics should never headline a movie.

 

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990): Andrew “Dice” Clay is mostly known for taking nursery rhymes like “Hickory Dickory Dock” or “Little Bo Peep” and then making

them adult by throwing in various swear words and numerous references to his penis.

It's clearly not as easy as it sounds (if you don't believe me, I'll show you my poem entitled “Humpty Fuckty Shit.”)

Clay's ability to change the word “clock” into “cock” was put to the test in the Adventures of Ford Fairlane, an obnoxiously useless detective parody written by Hudson Hawk's Daniel Waters and directed by Cutthroat Island's Renny Harlin. Ford Fairlane was so bad it didn't kill Clay's career: it slowly tortured it to death.

 

A Man Called Sarge (1990): Gary Kroeger is far from a household name, but he is notable for being one of the least talented cast members in the history of Saturday Night Live. Quite an achievement actually considering that this is the same show that gave us Jimmy Fallon,

Horatio Sanz and that actor who played the little nerdy guy in the Police Academy movies. Like many former SNL cast members Kroeger was given his own film vehicle. Unfortunately the film in question was an ill-conceived rip-off of Hot Shots that was so desperate in its humor it's like director Stuart Gillard is right there in your living room holding a crudely made shiv to your throat demanding that you "laugh, dammit laugh!"

Pizza Man (1991): In this horribly dated noir spoof, smug political pundit Bill Maher plays a pizza delivery man who stumbles upon a conspiracy involving some of the worst celebrity look-a-likes known to exist. Seriously, they look and sound so little like the

politicians they're supposed to portray that I'm surprised they didn't get a Chinese guy to play Dan Quayle.

Nonetheless, as I look back at this asinine political satire, I can feel a little bit of a chuckle coming on.

No, wait, sorry - it's actually the dry heaves.

 

The Jerky Boys (1995): How ya doin' there, sizzle chest! I've got an idea that is gonna blow your socks right through your ass.

The kids love the Jerky Boys, right? Well, let's take one of their prank phone calls

and stretch it out to the length of a 90 minute movie. Now I know what you're thinking there ugly, aren't we stretching this paper thin premise to its breaking point?

Sure we are stupid!

But if we open and close every scene with somebody getting punched in the balls or farted on, who's going to notice or care?

Hello? Hello? Goddammit, is anyone still there?