Way back in the summer of 2001, I worked the late shift in a video store inside one of those monstrous mega Wal Marts. From 12 a.m. to 6 a.m., I encountered various junkies, alcoholics and psychopaths who were looking for that special movie that could soothe the savage beasts lurking within their exceedingly greasy heads.
Of course, this job wasn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds.
Apart from the fact that these customers always seemed to be either vomiting or shoplifting, almost none of them knew the titles of the films they were looking for, just the vague plot descriptions. Below are just some of my favorite descriptions given to me by my old customers. Oh, and for you viewers at home you might want to "Be the Clerk" and join me in deciphering these crazed other-worldly babblings. (Answers Below)

1. OK. This is about a brain running through a forest who likes to throw around money and peanuts. Later on he jumps on a ship and almost dies.

2. There's this girl who travels around by hurricane. At one point she slaps around a lion and falls asleep in a corn field. There's a scary sequence where she's mobbed by midgets.

3. This guy in a hat whips people in the face during WWII. Dead monkeys and melted faces figure prominently in the finale.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow's in it.

5. This is about a gay guy who works at McDonald's whose daughter wants bigger boobs. At the end of the movie some guy shoots the gay guy for some reason. I'm sorry if I ruined the ending.

6. The movie with the Smurfs and the magic flute.

Answer Key:

1. E.T.

2. The Wizard of Oz

3. Raiders of the Lost Ark

4. Sliding Doors (I really don't know how I figured this one out)

5. American Beauty

6. The Smurfs and the Magic Flute