Crapped on for Christmas?

Burbs residents tell their stories; a relationship expert says there is hope

By Ryan Alan

Philly EDGE Correspondent

Dawn is hoping those holiday bells throughout Philadelphia and its suburbs have a less hollow ring this weekend.

After an ugly break-up, the Bucks County resident is facing her second Christmas without her partner, the father of her child, and she seems more determined than ever to give herself perhaps one of the most important gifts she could receive: herself.

Elsewhere in the Philly ’burbs, Betty will plug in the lights on her tree Dec. 25 and, for the third year, there will be two less presents.

“I was in an abusive relationship and left my husband two years ago, and my mother also died two years ago,” she says. “But since then I’ve been thinking of new things to do for myself during the holidays.”

In Havertown, Lisa S. again will be missing someone who once played such a big part in her life. It took her a long time to get over it.

The hurt of being alone after ending a relationship is never welcome, but that pain always seems to have its deepest resonance at Christmas.

As Lisa S., a professional in the Philadelphia work force, reminds, “There are rarely commercials of people sitting happily alone at their Christmas dinner.”

Still, happiness is possible on your own even during the holidays assures someone who should know, Ana Weber, relationship coach and author of the new book,  Dumped: The Ultimate Guide To Starting Over.

She shares relatable advice and tips on a variety of subjects, including how to deal with a break-up, take care of yourself after it happens, start dating again and, perhaps most importantly, how to move on.

Weber may live in California, but, in a certain sense, she has left her heart in Philadelphia, home of her ex-husband, who dumped her in a very unceremonious and quite public way (which she discusses in the book).

She’s determined to help others get through Christmas with their self-esteem and their spirit in tact.

 “You can absolutely still enjoy Christmas (even if you’ve been dumped),” she assures. “The holiday is to celebrate, to breathe in the lights, the colors, the connection with family, friends, parties, gifts.”

First, a ceremonial step may be in order.

“Dump the clutter into the trash,” she says. She means that literally: “The last Christmas ornament you bought together, the goofy bear that sings (holiday) songs, those all need to go. Right now! Put it in a trash can and close the lid.”

That represents accepting the closure, she explains.

“The Christmas ornament is a good object to get rid of. It is a physical releasing, representing the ‘us.’ And now the ‘I’ must be acknowledged and respected.”

It’s about “tossing out yesterday,” she adds. “When we stay present, appreciate the moment, smile and give out our best attitude, take part in activities and devote the energy to the new, we pick up new friends, new connections and become aware of the new life we are fortunate to live, the new found freedom, not loneliness.”

Dawn, 26, in Bucks County admits she is still working on the “loneliness” part.

“It does get lonely for me on the holidays, and I don’t mean just Christmas,” she admits.

“With Christmas and Thanksgiving, I can just be with my family, but as for the 4th of July and all the rest, no one is around. I get lonely on the weekends, too, but I don’t let that get me down.”

She watches movies on TV, phones or writes friends and family, goes for walks, shops when she can, and visits a women’s club.”

For someone about to go through their first Christmas after being dumped, she suggests they look for holiday activities in which to participate and generally “keep yourself busy.”

She believes it is possible to turn being alone into a positive, in terms of learning more about yourself and growing as a person.

“You have more time for yourself, and more freedom. I spend more time with my friends than I used to and focus on the future and what I need,” Dawn says. “Just learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Having another half is not everything. You are your own best friend.”

Christmas is a good time to focus on that, Ana Weber implies.

“When we touch the deep core of our purpose and the fact that we must love ourselves and appreciate us, and the gift of life, we need to overcome the challenge of being ‘dumped’ and feel Christmas as a moment of awareness and then awake and release our love for others.”

It is a time to connect and acknowledge, she adds.   

If our relationship ends during the holiday season, it is somewhat more difficult only because we are programmed and trained that the holiday is more complete when we have the significant other, she explains. “And yet this is a false perception,” Weber says. To her, the holiday represents new beginnings.

In accepting that sentiment, she believes it is important to acknowledge that if we have been dumped, “It is not about us. It is about them, their choices….They changed, they feel differently and perhaps the connection got too weak, or it was never a good one in the first place and you got together for the wrong reasons,” she suggests.

A good mindset is to tell ourselves, “Now we are free.”

“What a magic time,” Weber says. “We can learn from this experience while we live totally in the present.”

She offers this caution, though, saying that someone who has just been dumped may be more likely to make mistakes and take chances, perhaps be more experimental in sexual relationships.

“Yes, that is common. It’s about the seeking and the search for attention, physical closeness, confusing sex with the intimacy of a good relationship,” Weber says. “Sex can be a temporary escape from reality and a misunderstood attention and connection. At times it is good for release, as long as they know in their minds that this is just a bridge in between.”

Lisa S. in Havertown says it was not a sexual relationship from which she was “dumped,” but what she thought was a close friendship. It is a reminder that there are many kinds of “dumping.”

“I wasn’t dumped by a lover, but a very close friend after I had my first baby. She was in the midst of a divorce and I guess she couldn’t face our happiness amid her own pain,” Lisa recalls. “She dropped me completely after almost 15 years of close friendship.”

It took Lisa years of talking about it and writing a letter she never sent to her friend.

“I wrote and wrote and got through all the heartbreak and then decided I was done.”

Her husband, family and friends helped her work through it.

“She really wasn’t the friend I thought I would grow old with. That friend would have never abandoned me at such a vulnerable time,” she says.

Lisa agrees that the trauma from such a departure can be heightened during the holiday season.

“It is a stereotypical time for family events and gatherings,” she reminds. Society has us believing that we shouldn’t be alone at Christmas, she acknowledges. “It’s more about the pictures and themes that surround the public during the holidays.”

Her suggestions for getting through the holidays alone: “Volunteer! Spend time with those less fortunate. You’ll instantly feel better and doing the good deed will warm your heart.  Christmas is not about romance or friendship. It is supposed to be about the celebration of life, Christ’s birthday, right? The presents and the trees and all the rest are decorations. I think someone who is alone could find solace in their religion or in the spirit of the holiday.”

Lisa admires the spirit of author Ana Weber, whom she met a few days after Ana caught her own husband cheating on her and was dumped.

 “You would never have known it, though. She was upbeat and hopeful. She has an incredible spirit and strength that comes from her kind heart, as well as her wise soul,” Lisa says.

Weber provides the positive and hopeful side of situations, she says. “She is funny and has a very comforting way of communicating.”

What has Lisa learned from Ana?

“That there is always a rainbow after the storm. You just have to look for it.”

Lisa says she applies Weber’s advice in her own life by trying to see the joy in the little things, as well as the obvious ones.

She believes Weber’s book will be valuable to people.

“I think they will understand that it is not the end of the world. For the day, week or month, things may be painful, but they will see there is life after being dumped,” Lisa says.

As a person moves forward after a break-up, Weber suggests, “Don’t give negative thoughts much energy. Don’t let the one percent of emotion control the 99 percent of the whole us. Our strengths last through all challenges.

“When we walk away with less anger, less hostility and extract the seed of experience moving forward, embracing the freedom, the new us, then we are liberated.”

She hopes her book will encourage people to develop a desire to build a great relationship with themselves, to “seek their identity before the relationship.”

Weber even applies her positive attitude to Philadelphia, to which she returns once or twice a year on business, focusing on the good memories there, not on the fact her ex is from there. She’ll be back in a few weeks.

“I love Philly: the great Philly cheesesteak sandwich, the amazing authentic Italian food, the history of America, great shopping, plus greenery and old century buildings with amazing art, parks and lots of great walking areas,” she says.

She loves to connect with old friends in the suburbs.

“In the winter, I enjoy the snow-covered paths, children running, dogs barking and lots of space, unlike California,” she says. “I like to listen to good old jazz in the small pubs and enjoy the Irish influence.”

Betty from Philadelphia’s suburbs has been focusing on the influence of friends and family as she builds a new life after a failed relationship.

“How am I getting through it?  I stay busy,” she says. “Try not to think of what you don’t have, and remember what you do have.  There's a lot to be thankful for. Unfortunately, not everyone recognizes that.”

(For more information on Ana Weber’s work, and her book, log on to: www.anatherelationshipexpert.com; and wwww.eplaymagazine.com; email her at: Ana@Anatherelationshipexpert.com or anahw@cox.net)

SIDEBAR:

Do you need help?

What are the warning signs that, after being dumped, a person may need professional help?

Relationship expert Ana Weber, author of  Dumped: The Ultimate Guide to Starting Over, offers this list:

1. When a person stops eating or gains too much weight.

2. When they do not want to socialize with others.

3. When they miss work or school.

4. When they completely lose sight of who they are.

5. When rejection is in full control in their minds.

6. When they are completely emotional.

Weber acknowledges that when a relationship ends, it is only human nature to feel that we are alone with our problem.

“But we are not alone,” she assures. “People change, we change, circumstances change. It is the change that makes life so thrilling. There are no guarantees. Appreciate it and understand that it can be filled with all we desire and the passion to want to live with fulfillment.”