msullivan's blog

Warning! The Following Entry Contains Circumcision and Monkeys. Parental Discretion is Advised

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 03:05:06 -0400

The plot keywords found on the Internet Movie Database aren't there just to help people remember the title of that one movie where the guy in the headband kisses his thumb (it's Megaforce, if anyone out there actually cares) they're also there in order to make mediocre movies sound a hell of a lot more interesting then they have any right to be. Below are just a few faintly offputting examples of what can be found on the IMDB. Enjoy!

The Film: The Pest

The Keywords: Fake Blindness/ Fart/ Vomit/ Desert Eagle

The Film: The Shaggy Dog (2006)

Parody Movie

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 01:23:44 -0500

Against all logic and sanity Epic Movie managed to be the number one movie in America this week. The film has already proven to be so popular that writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have already written the follow-up. Entitled Parody Movie the film promises to poke spoofilicious fun at parody movies. Will it manage to be funnier than their last two misfires? Judge for yourself with these excerpts below...

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Nacho Libre

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 02:55:16 -0400

Napoleon Dynamite is one of those polarizing films that people either love or hate. Yet even the film's most fervent admirers understand why so many despise it. For one thing, the film's endless array of catchphrases insured that every braying jackass in accounts receivable would have something besides Rod Farva's dialogue from Super Troopers to quote endlessly.

Nonetheless, even if Napoleon Dynamite's various quirks made you want to beat the titular mouthbreather's head in with a "delicious bass" it still elicited some kind of response which is more that could be said for director Jared Hess' uninspiring follow-up, Nacho Libre. It's a film so dull, useless, and devoid of mirth I'm surprised I saw it in a theater and not after a block of Mad TV reruns on Comedy Central.

Win a Copy of Leprechaun on DVD!

Thu, 11 May 2006 04:04:37 -0400

Next month America's overexposed sweetheart Jennifer Aniston will be appearing in one of this summer's least anticipated films The Break Up. In honor of this unmomentous occasion Cinema Bizarro's Mike Sullivan will be giving one lucky Philly Edge reader a copy of Aniston's first and best film "Leprechaun" on DVD!

Here are the rules:

- In 200 words or less describe what will happen to Aniston's career after "The Break Up" inevitably tanks at the box office. Will it shrivel up and die? Soar like an eagle? Stab Vince Vaughn in a very public place? Tell Mike and you'll not only win a DVD worth literally tens of dollars but you'll also get a warm and hearty shout-out in an upcoming issue of Philly Edge!

Scary Movie 4

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:56:07 -0400

I have a confession to make, I love parody films. The only problem is I'm not sure why. I find the whole genre to be stale, stupid and obvious in the most grating way possible. Yet every time I hear that another Scary Movie sequel is in production my heart races like a candy coated lamb at spring time.

I guess you could say my masochistic love is sort of like when you compulsively run your tongue over a particularly painful canker sore. You know it hurts but you do it anyway. Again you could say that but you'd be wrong. Because nobody willfully seeks out mouth sores.

As in previous entries, Scary Movie 4 is little more than a collection of spoofs clumsily book-ended by a plot that's about as wafer thin and incoherent as Kate Moss after a 72 hour coke binge.

Simon Says...

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 04:41:48 -0500

Is American Idol's Simon Cowell nastier this season? Judge for yourself from these random quotes listed below.

- If you would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you.

- If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.

- If I could, I'd strip you naked and paint a frownie face on your ass.

- You look like Clay Aiken after he fell into a vat of pubic hair.

- If Hitler was just a little bit younger and a lot gayer he'd be you.

- I'm going to shank you prison style.

Underpants: EvoPOOtion (tee hee)

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 02:15:35 -0500

If you could excuse me for one moment, I'd like to speak directly to the werewolves from Underworld: Evolution. Hey, how's it going werewolves. Do you mind if I call you werewolves or would you prefer if I called you lycans? What's that? You say that lycans sounds like some sort of fungus? Fair enough. werewolves it is. Now I know you guys are currently in the middle of a big vampire war but if you could just listen to me for a moment I could probably spare all of you a lot of heartache.

Do you know how you're always fighting those vampires at night? Well, you really don't need to do that. Y'see vampires are nocturnal creatures, children of the night and all that horseshit. Their days are spent inside a coffin drooling on a satin pillow and dreaming about Anne Rice and floor length leather trenchcoats or whatever it is that vampires dream about. There's 12 full hours when these pale bloodsuckers are completely vulnerable. Wouldn't it be in your best interest to go after them at 10:30 in the morning armed to the fangs with wooden stakes and holy water? You could put an end to this pointless war and finally get around to more pressing matters, such as whooping the Mummy's dusty ass.

Ocean's 13-15

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 18:34:01 -0500

Despite the fact that absolutely no one liked Ocean's 12, Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney have recently announced plans for Ocean's 13. Without a doubt this film will gobble down the balls of Mediocrity as Disappointment watches from the closet. Now before you think I'm just speculating wildly like some kind of insular shut-in who bitches about some shitty comic book movie just because the producers decided that Jimmy Olsen should be a brunette, know this; I have seen Ocean's 13 and not only that, I've seen 14 and 15 as well. How exactly I've seen these films is unimportant. What is important is that you haven't and you won't see them for a very long time. But I'm not a bad guy. To tide you over here's what you can expect to see at your local theater within the next six years.

The Top 5,6 movies of 2005

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 19:41:38 -0500

Due to the Shalit Act of 1983, all film critics are required by law to write a best of list during the month of December. The list must contain no more than 10 but no less than 5 movies and must be written before the stroke of midnight on the 31st. It wasn't until recently that the legal act also pertained to the guys who write tiresome dick jokes in free weeklies, so here are my contractually obligated opinions....

6. Brokeback Mountain: A dazzling, heartfelt rollercoaster ride of pure - OK good he just went into the other room. Would somebody please help me? Entertainment Weeklies' Owen Gleiberman just broke into my house and he's threatened to kill me if I didn't put this on my list. Oh god, would somebody please call the cops before he shoves a shotgun down my throat makes me add Memoirs of a Geisha?

Desperate Lives

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 23:44:24 -0500

In Ken Smith's hilarious book Mental Hygiene, he sites Narcotics: Pit of Despair as "the stupidest drug film ever produced". Obviously he's never seen Desperate Lives. As in most films that urge us to just say no this movie is so far removed from reality that a last minute kung-fu battle on the moon seems conspicuous in it's absence.

Taking place in one of those Southern California high schools where most of the student population is either nodding off or, like future Oscar winning actress Helen Hunt, throwing itself through plate glass windows, Desperate Lives tells the story of a self righteous guidance counselor (Diana "Mommy Dearest" Scarwid) who makes it her business to harsh the buzz of anyone unlucky enough to bump into her. In her quest to singlehandedly eliminate all illegal narcotics on the west coast, she encounters Scott (Doug McKeon), a whiny teen who's turned to drugs because his parents (Diane Ladd fulfilling at least one community service requirement and Tom Atkins in a rare non-cop role) are mean. Too bad Scott never realized that even casual drug use can lead to tragedy as he falls victim to the diabolically feathered hair of Kenny (Sam Bottoms), a drug dealer who turns Scott into some kind of junior pusher and is apparently holding David Hasselhoff's Knightrider wardrobe hostage.

Grill Skill

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 23:46:02 -0500

When I was growing up there was a Hardee's in my
neighborhood that was roughly about as clean as a
Tijuana whorehouse. Local addicts would blithely smoke
crack in the men's room while the night manager would
occasionally take his dick out in front of female
employees and gruesomely twist it around as if it were
a flesh colored balloon animal. The place was a greasy
chamber of horrors yet this terrifying plunge into
fast food anarchy could have been avoided. If Hardee's
management had taken a cue from Wendy's and crafted an
instructional video similar to Grill Skill then the
employees would be too busy learning the subtleties of

Bruce Lee: A uniter not a divider

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:41:22 -0500

Here's a story that really made me smile.

MOSTAR, Bosnia (Reuters) - Bosnia's southern town of Mostar unveiled the world's first statue of kung fu legend Bruce Lee on Saturday, paying homage to a childhood hero of all its divided ethnic groups.

The life-size 1.68 meter (5ft 7in) bronze statue is situated in Mostar's central park, close to the former front line of Bosnia's 1992-95 civil war. A decade after the conflict, Mostar's Muslim and Croat inhabitants remain deeply split.

Unveiled by its initiators, Veselin Gatalo and Nino Raspudic of Mostar's Urban Movement, the statue portrays the Chinese-American actor, who died 32 years ago, in a typical defensive fighting position.

Zathura: The Review

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 01:23:59 -0500

It's never a good sign when a film has two strikes
against it before the opening credits start to roll.
First of all, "Zathura's" nearly unpronounceable title
brings to mind such other misfires as "Gigli" and the
forgettable Vin Diesel sci-fi epic "The Xgcler of
Rrnmlx". It also doesn't help that the film is more or
less a follow-up to pop-cultural punchline "Jumanji"
which is best remembered as the terrible Robin
Williams film that wasn't "Patch Adams" or "Hook" or
"Toys" or, well you get the idea.

However, it would be a mistake to judge "Zathura"
simply because it sort of resembles a ten year old

Be the Video Store Clerk

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 01:16:47 -0500

Way back in the summer of 2001, I worked the late shift in a video store inside one of those monstrous mega Wal Marts. From 12 a.m. to 6 a.m., I encountered various junkies, alcoholics and psychopaths who were looking for that special movie that could soothe the savage beasts lurking within their exceedingly greasy heads.
Of course, this job wasn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds.
Apart from the fact that these customers always seemed to be either vomiting or shoplifting, almost none of them knew the titles of the films they were looking for, just the vague plot descriptions. Below are just some of my favorite descriptions given to me by my old customers. Oh, and for you viewers at home you might want to "Be the Clerk" and join me in deciphering these crazed other-worldly babblings. (Answers Below)

At Home with the Martins

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 23:40:15 -0400

It's been months since somebody produced an uncompromising drama that rips the lid off of suburban family life. If somebody doesn't put car-ports and soccer moms in their place right now nobody will for at least a week or two. So, to tide you over I've decided to show you an excerpt from my gritty, unflinching yet strangely unproduced screenplay, "At Home with the Martins."

After finding out that their oldest son has shoulder length hair, Eli and Julie Martin visit a mutual friend, Alva Vandervox, at the high school where he works as principal. As Alva cleans up after a particularly violent student demonstration, Julie and Eli enter...