The plot keywords found on the Internet Movie Database aren't there just to help people remember the title of that one movie where the guy in the headband kisses his thumb (it's Megaforce, if anyone out there actually cares) they're also there in order to make mediocre movies sound a hell of a lot more interesting then they have any right to be. Below are just a few faintly offputting examples of what can be found on the IMDB. Enjoy!

The Film: The Pest

The Keywords:  Fake Blindness/ Fart/ Vomit/ Desert Eagle

The Film: The Shaggy Dog (2006)

 Against all logic and sanity Epic Movie managed to be the number one movie in America this week. The film has already proven to be so popular that writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have already written the follow-up. Entitled Parody Movie the film promises to poke spoofilicious fun at parody movies. Will it manage to be funnier than their last two misfires? Judge for yourself with these excerpts below...

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Napoleon Dynamite is one of those polarizing films that people either love or hate. Yet even the film's most fervent admirers understand why so many despise it. For one thing, the film's endless array of catchphrases insured that every braying jackass in accounts receivable would have something besides Rod Farva's dialogue from Super Troopers to quote endlessly.

Nonetheless, even if Napoleon Dynamite's various quirks made you want to beat the titular mouthbreather's head in with a "delicious bass" it still elicited some kind of response which is more that could be said for director Jared Hess' uninspiring follow-up, Nacho Libre. It's a film so dull, useless, and devoid of mirth I'm surprised I saw it in a theater and not after a block of Mad TV reruns on Comedy Central.

Next month America's overexposed sweetheart Jennifer Aniston will be appearing in one of this summer's least anticipated films The Break Up. In honor of this unmomentous occasion Cinema Bizarro's Mike Sullivan will be giving one lucky Philly Edge reader a copy of Aniston's first and best film "Leprechaun" on DVD!

Here are the rules:

- In 200 words or less describe what will happen to Aniston's career after "The Break Up" inevitably tanks at the box office. Will it shrivel up and die? Soar like an eagle? Stab Vince Vaughn in a very public place? Tell Mike and you'll not only win a DVD worth literally tens of dollars but you'll also get a warm and hearty shout-out in an upcoming issue of Philly Edge!

I have a confession to make, I love parody films. The only problem is I'm not sure why. I find the whole genre to be stale, stupid and obvious in the most grating way possible. Yet every time I hear that another Scary Movie sequel is in production my heart races like a candy coated lamb at spring time.

I guess you could say my masochistic love is sort of like when you compulsively run your tongue over a particularly painful canker sore. You know it hurts but you do it anyway. Again you could say that but you'd be wrong. Because nobody willfully seeks out mouth sores.

As in previous entries, Scary Movie 4 is little more than a collection of spoofs clumsily book-ended by a plot that's about as wafer thin and incoherent as Kate Moss after a 72 hour coke binge.

Is American Idol's Simon Cowell nastier this season? Judge for yourself from these random quotes listed below.

- If you would be singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you.

- If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.

- If I could, I'd strip you naked and paint a frownie face on your ass.

- You look like Clay Aiken after he fell into a vat of pubic hair.

- If Hitler was just a little bit younger and a lot gayer he'd be you.

- I'm going to shank you prison style.

If you could excuse me for one moment, I'd like to speak directly to the werewolves from Underworld: Evolution. Hey, how's it going werewolves. Do you mind if I call you werewolves or would you prefer if I called you lycans? What's that? You say that lycans sounds like some sort of fungus? Fair enough. werewolves it is. Now I know you guys are currently in the middle of a big vampire war but if you could just listen to me for a moment I could probably spare all of you a lot of heartache.

Do you know how you're always fighting those vampires at night? Well, you really don't need to do that. Y'see vampires are nocturnal creatures, children of the night and all that horseshit. Their days are spent inside a coffin drooling on a satin pillow and dreaming about Anne Rice and floor length leather trenchcoats or whatever it is that vampires dream about. There's 12 full hours when these pale bloodsuckers are completely vulnerable. Wouldn't it be in your best interest to go after them at 10:30 in the morning armed to the fangs with wooden stakes and holy water? You could put an end to this pointless war and finally get around to more pressing matters, such as whooping the Mummy's dusty ass.

Despite the fact that absolutely no one liked Ocean's 12, Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney have recently announced plans for Ocean's 13. Without a doubt this film will gobble down the balls of Mediocrity as Disappointment watches from the closet. Now before you think I'm just speculating wildly like some kind of insular shut-in who bitches about some shitty comic book movie just because the producers decided that Jimmy Olsen should be a brunette, know this; I have seen Ocean's 13 and not only that, I've seen 14 and 15 as well. How exactly I've seen these films is unimportant. What is important is that you haven't and you won't see them for a very long time. But I'm not a bad guy. To tide you over here's what you can expect to see at your local theater within the next six years.

Due to the Shalit Act of 1983, all film critics are required by law to write a best of list during the month of December. The list must contain no more than 10 but no less than 5 movies and must be written before the stroke of midnight on the 31st. It wasn't until recently that the legal act also pertained to the guys who write tiresome dick jokes in free weeklies, so here are my contractually obligated opinions....

6. Brokeback Mountain: A dazzling, heartfelt rollercoaster ride of pure - OK good he just went into the other room. Would somebody please help me? Entertainment Weeklies' Owen Gleiberman just broke into my house and he's threatened to kill me if I didn't put this on my list. Oh god, would somebody please call the cops before he shoves a shotgun down my throat makes me add Memoirs of a Geisha?

In Ken Smith's hilarious book Mental Hygiene, he sites Narcotics: Pit of Despair as "the stupidest drug film ever produced". Obviously he's never seen Desperate Lives. As in most films that urge us to just say no this movie is so far removed from reality that a last minute kung-fu battle on the moon seems conspicuous in it's absence.

Taking place in one of those Southern California high schools where most of the student population is either nodding off or, like future Oscar winning actress Helen Hunt, throwing itself through plate glass windows, Desperate Lives tells the story of a self righteous guidance counselor (Diana "Mommy Dearest" Scarwid) who makes it her business to harsh the buzz of anyone unlucky enough to bump into her. In her quest to singlehandedly eliminate all illegal narcotics on the west coast, she encounters Scott (Doug McKeon), a whiny teen who's turned to drugs because his parents (Diane Ladd fulfilling at least one community service requirement and Tom Atkins in a rare non-cop role) are mean. Too bad Scott never realized that even casual drug use can lead to tragedy as he falls victim to the diabolically feathered hair of Kenny (Sam Bottoms), a drug dealer who turns Scott into some kind of junior pusher and is apparently holding David Hasselhoff's Knightrider wardrobe hostage.